Introducing The Biden Doctrine: Because Basic Human Rights Are Outdated Anyway

We had the Monroe Doctrine. We had the Truman Doctrine. And now we have what I shall dub, the Biden Doctrine. On April 8, 2021, President Biden stated, “No amendment to the Constitution is absolute.” As this is a brand-new doctrine, never before articulated by any other president or Supreme Court Justice, it is only deserving that it be labeled the “Biden Doctrine.”

Let us consider some of the implications of the Biden Doctrine.

Under the Biden Doctrine, the First Amendment is not absolute. Perhaps the US government can establish just one religion. Or, they can silence just some speech – Probably the speech which is especially critical of our wise rulers. Or, just some newspapers can be abolished by the government – Again, probably the ones that are especially critical of our wise rulers.  

The 3^rd Amendment is no longer absolute either. Be ready to welcome just some soldiers into your private home for mandatory quartering.

The 4^th Amendment is not absolute. Search warrants shall only be required some of the time.

The 5^th Amendment is not absolute. Government officials will sometimes be allowed to deny your due process rights.

The 6^th Amendment is not absolute. You will occasionally be thrown in prison without trial. This should send an occasional reminder about who is in charge.

The 7^th Amendment is not absolute. Other citizens will be able to acquire your possessions without a jury trial, but just some of the time.

The 8^th Amendment is not absolute. A little bit of torture is just fine.

The 9^th Amendment is not absolute. In addition to the rights already mentioned not being absolute, none of your other rights are absolute, either.

The 10^th Amendment is certainly not absolute. Some powers, not mentioned in the Constitution, will certainly be carried out by the federal government.

The 11^th Amendment is not absolute. Sometimes, you can sue a state.

The 12^th Amendment is not absolute. Once in a while, we will ignore the election results entirely, and just appoint someone to be president.

The 13^th Amendment is not absolute. You can own just a few slaves.

The 14^th Amendment is not absolute. In addition to the Federal Government being able to ignore your due process rights, now the states can too! But only sometimes.

The 15^th Amendment is not absolute. Occasionally, you can deny someone the right to vote, based solely on their race.

The 16^th Amendment is not absolute. OK, let’s be honest, the Federal government is always going to collect income taxes. The 16^th Amendment is not subject to the Biden Doctrine.

The 17^th Amendment is not absolute. Sometimes Senators can be appointed, rather than elected.

The 18^th Amendment is not absolute. But neither is the 21^st. Therefore, sometimes you are allowed to sell alcohol. Sometimes, you are not. The Biden Administration will wisely determine this.

The 19^th Amendment is not absolute. Some people can be denied the right to vote based solely on sex.

The 20^th Amendment is not absolute. A president can sometimes be sworn in before January 20.

The 22^nd Amendment is not absolute. Sometimes, you can have a president elected for more than two full terms.

The 23^rd Amendment is not absolute. Sometimes, Washington DC will not be allowed to vote for the President.

The 24^th Amendment is not absolute. Sometimes, you can charge a poll tax.

The 25^th Amendment is not absolute. Occasionally, if the president dies, the office can be passed on to the family pet, rather than to the Vice President. (Look out, Vice President Harris!)

The 26^th Amendment is not absolute. Once in a while, you can deny some people over the age of 18 the right to vote based on age. Let’s say, 24-year-olds can’t vote. Yeah, that sounds good.

And the 27^th Amendment is not absolute. Sometimes, Congress can vote to increase their own pay, and not have to wait until after an election for it to take effect. That should keep them from raising any objections to this new doctrine.

I’m sure glad we got rid of that Fascist president Trump, and now we have the wise Biden Doctrine which will guarantee our rights remain secure!